Have you ever felt the urge to explore something new in the bedroom? Are you entering a new relationship, recovering from a challenging period, or simply looking to explore that one thing you've always wanted to try? Well, there's no better time than now to dive in and start your journey; whether you're 25, 45, or 80, it's never too late!
Understanding your fantasies and desires is the key to unlocking a fulfilling and adventurous journey—one that can reveal things about yourself you never knew before. Self-exploration around intimacy, pleasure, and even kinks can not only be fulfilling in pleasure but also bring a level of emotion and physical comfort. But why is this, you might be thinking?
Well, exploring your desires, new sensations, or curiosities in the realms of sex and pleasure creates an opportunity to understand your body and mind on a whole new level, which we are often taught to suppress and ignore. But by embracing these aspects of yourself, you open the door to richer experiences in solo and partnered play. So, what are you waiting for?
Here are some tips to help you open the door to richer experiences.
1. Identify your desires and fantasies
Before sharing or exploring your desires with someone else, it's important to understand what you like or are keen to explore alone so that you can fully articulate this with another person. Take some quiet moments to reflect on what excites you, whether this is by journaling, trying new things, watching porn or listening/reading erotica. Then ask yourself the following...
- What thoughts or scenarios get you feeling turned on?
- Do you want to explore this alone or with someone else?
- Do I want to act on this or let it remain a fantasy?
- If I explore this, what must I do to feel safe?
- How important is this to my sexual identity?
It could be something as simple as a specific type of touch, more elaborate role-play fantasies or incorporating tools like toys or stimuli like films, food or sounds. Whatever it may be for you, understand it better and what it means for you.
2. Start small
When it comes to exploring new desires or fantasies, it's ok to take things slow; in fact, slow pleasure is the best way to tune into your body and what it likes. You don't have to jump into the deep end right away. You can start by introducing smaller elements of your fantasy into your daily life—whether it's through a new sexual toy, like one from Hot Octopuss, or changing up your usual routine with playful, non-sexual acts of intimacy. Gradually build up to exploring bigger fantasies, ensuring that both you and your partner are comfortable and enjoying the journey is way more important than just getting the job done.
For example, if you're curious about exploring anal play with your partner, beginning with a toy like the Plex with Flex is an excellent way to ease into the experience. When it comes to anal play, it's important to take things slowly and start small. Begin by gently stimulating the outer area of the anus, which is rich in nerve endings. This allows you to explore the sensations in that area without rushing into penetration. Take your time to become comfortable with the different sensations in that area of your body, experimenting with varying pressure and movements. This process helps you tune into your body's responses and eases you into anal play, especially if you are new to it.
3. Expect the unexpected
Fantasies often stem from curiosity, imagination, and the exploration of the world around us. They can be shaped by the things we see, hear, or experience and by stimuli that provoke excitement or intrigue. Our fantasies can be influenced by everything from media and societal trends to personal experiences, and they can also reflect our desires, needs, and hidden aspects of ourselves.
However, one thing many fail to recognise when exploring fantasies is that not all fantasies are meant to be acted upon, and some might not be as thrilling or fulfilling as we initially imagined. Exploring a fantasy can reveal that what excites us in our minds doesn't translate into the real-world experience. This can be a disappointing realisation, but it's completely natural. In fact, some fantasies may remain exactly where they are—imagined and enjoyed in the realm of thought—without needing to manifest physically. And that's perfectly ok. The beauty of fantasy is that it's a safe space where there are no rules, and you can control the narrative.
For example, Justin J. Lehmiller, the author of Tell Me What You Want, points out, 'While having a threesome was the most popular fantasy, it was also the fantasy that was least likely to turn out well when people acted on it.' This is most likely because people's ideas of what the threesome should or shouldn't involve will differ from person to person. This highlights an important aspect that we spoke about in point one. Explore what it is you want to get out of the experience first before engaging so that you know how to communicate with others your expectations and, of course, always listen to what others are happy or not happy to engage in and always communicate along the way if any changes. This leads us to our next point.
4. Respect boundaries and consent
While exploring new desires, always keep boundaries and consent at the forefront of your mind. It's crucial that both you and your partner or anyone else involved feel safe and respected throughout the journey. Make sure to establish clear communication about comfort levels and expectations pre-, during and post-exploration and ensure that all acts of exploration are mutually agreed upon. For example, this can be done through regular check-ins and being aware of body language; just because someone says yes doesn't mean you should look out for other ways people say no. Respecting boundaries will allow both you and your partner/s to enjoy the experience without feeling discomfort, pressure, or even guilt and regret.
5. Make It Fun and Enjoy the Process
Exploring fantasies should never feel like a chore—it's an exciting, playful, and fun journey of discovery. Allow yourself to be playful and spontaneous, and remember that there's no pressure to make it perfect; that is far from what sex or pleasure should ever be. Enjoy each step, whether it's laughing together as you try something new or having a deep, intimate conversation about what you want to explore. This new level of exploration can be a lighthearted and joyous experience when approached with the right attitude and the ability to stay curious and kind.
