What happens when your sexual desires don’t match those you were raised to believe were the ‘right’ ones? Sex blogger May More discusses guilt and kink – and how to get over it.
Magazines have always seemed full of overly romantic images to me. Couples sharing a lovers’ kiss or holding hands and looking deep into each other’s eyes. As a young woman I wondered if that would be me one day. But it never was. Perhaps there was something wrong with me?
I am not saying I didn’t have romance thrown my way – I did – but I was never entirely comfortable with the notion. It seemed false, and certainly *did not* turn me on or get me into bed. In fact, sweet talk bored me. However I was very comfortable chatting intimately with a lover about anything on earth. Or dancing sensually with them in a nightclub. But when it came down to sexual intimacy, I often felt as though I was lacking something.
‘I began to think sex was just not for me’
By the time I was in my twenties I began to think sex was just not for me. I would never get it right. Surely loving someone meant that making love would come naturally? But it left me cold, except early on in a relationship, before the familiarity set in, when I could pretend they were a stranger I’d just met who simply had to have me. Once in a stable relationship, I guiltily escaped to a place in my head where I fantasised about kinky activity, my partner blissfully unaware.
I say ‘guiltily’ because it seemed wrong to me to be thinking about all sorts of other things or other people when the person I loved was doing their best to turn me on. I felt that should have been enough for me. *They* should be enough for me and I was obviously failing in this department.
The media’s role in guilt and kink
As I mentioned earlier, the media didn’t help, constantly dictating how people should think and feel regarding sexual activity. Intimating that people who had thoughts in their heads like me were abnormal or perverted.
I wasted too much thought over how to change. But as I got older, and reflected, I realised that was never going to happen. Perhaps I was not the only one who got off on such bad thoughts while having sex. I needed to find out.
Starting to explore guilt-free kink
Luckily for me I met a couple of kinky individuals. After some long conversations with them, I realised I was not abnormal or perverse. I simply had my own agenda on how I wanted to get off. And I was not the only one.
Armed with a new confidence, I explored a little bit of kink such as being on the receiving end of spanking and light bondage. This type of play was like acting out one of my fantasies for real. Although not romantic, it was intimate in that trust and communication was involved. More importantly, there was no guilt attached as my mind did not need to wander. The action was thrilling enough for me to stay focused and enjoy the moment.
So I’d learned my first lesson. Communication. By actually making time and being brave enough to chat I had found there were people with similar sexual tastes to my own and kinky fun was definitely what I had been missing.
‘My fantasies looked quite mild compared to what I found online’
However, even with new experiences under my belt, it was not always easy to find a lover with complementary sexual needs. This meant that when it came to sex, occasionally I was still viewed as cold and removed by a partner. Or the things I asked for were too divergent for their taste. A recipe for disaster.
Thankfully the internet had opened up quite a bit by now, and I took pleasure in watching porn. And indeed I must say my choice of video was not very polite or pretty. Once again, for a while, this made me feel a bit guilty and depraved. A woman watching porn alone! So I began to explore the web and found that there were not just a few people like me – there were loads. My fantasies and kinks looked quite mild on paper compared to what I read online.
Confidence increases with age
Also with age came a certain sense of credibility. Why should I not enjoy the sex I wanted? I delved deep into my psyche. This meant I thought about sex a lot, and the soul-searching was one of the reasons I started my blog, Sex Matters. Finally I understood a person is never too old to explore their kinks and fantasies. If this sometimes involved living out stories from my head, such as being fucked by two men simultaneously while my partner stuck his fingers in my cunt and a butt plug up my arse, then all to the good.
Once I got to this point I stopped reproaching myself. My man was more than fine with my outlook. Together, we talked about our fantasies and realised they fell into different areas. Those we could play out. A bondage scene, for example. And others, involving more people and harsher acts, which would for now remain in my head to be used as masturbation material or as naughty thoughts during vanilla sex.
Everyone has the right to fully enjoy sex without hang-ups
These are my tips for exploring your sexuality without guilt, assuming everyone involved is enthusiastically consenting:- Reflect on your desires – take time to think about and investigate what works for you.
- Communicate – discuss this with a lover.
- Enjoy your fantasies – Your imagination is an asset. Some of your fantasies may come alive in your living room, others may be best kept as fantasies, whether for your own private enjoyment or to be shared with a likeminded partner. All are legit additions to your sex life!
For me, the kind of sexual intimacy we sometimes call ‘making love’ is vastly overrated, and is not needed to create a strong connection between two people. Getting involved in kinky practices ensures a closeness is reached. When I participate in high adrenaline time with my partner, sharing something unique that we have not done with any one else, well, that is special and creates its own kind of intimacy. And for me, guilt and kink are no longer connected.
