“Guaranteed satisfaction every time!” Or so the articles claim. Learn about her neglected erogenous zone. Discover the mysterious secret of women’s pleasure. Drive her wild with this one weird trick.
And they’re right. There really is one thing, that anyone can learn to do, which will make sure she’s smiling and satisfied – or asking for more, which arguably is even better. Are you ready?
Listen.
That’s it. Honestly, it really is that simple. Of course, before you can manage it, you need to get over the idea that there is a magic solution which will work on every woman, every time. This might not be easy, but it isn’t complicated.
You might have been expecting an anatomy lesson, and there are a few details coming up. Perhaps you wanted an instruction list with diagrams, like something you’d get from IKEA. Maybe you thought this would be a paragraph full of promises and a hard sell for a new toy . . . okay, we’ll own up to that one. But honestly, all of that is background to the important part: you’re going to need to listen. Properly. Every time. So let’s set the scene with some uncomfortable facts.
On average, women score sex with men as less satisfying than encounters with women or going solo.
When a man and a woman have sex, he’s much more likely to climax than she is. This is called the orgasm gap and is probably connected to the fact that very few women can come by penetration alone. None of this is your fault, and the good news is we can do better.
Giving up preconceptions will help. Real espionage doesn’t look like a Bond movie, and good sex doesn’t look like most porn. (Remember that most pornography is made by men, for men – the exceptions are worth supporting.) The details of what one woman enjoys may not do much for another, so relying on past experience is unreliable at best.
As a couple, you may enjoy diving into the library at OMGyes. This video library features a plethora of different women sharing their most touching sex stories as well as explaining the unique ways in which sexual pleasure works in their bodies.
What she enjoys may change with age, mood or hormones levels, so familiar patterns may not always be the right way to go either.
So instead of assuming you know what will work, ask.
Whether the commitment is for a lifetime or an evening, you need enough trust to get some honest answers. Take your time together, making clear there’s no rush; more touching, more kissing, more talking. Ask questions.
Some answers will be in words, and sometimes you’ll need to pay attention to more subtle signals too. Ask what she needs to feel fulfilled, and if that includes an orgasm, how. And how many; men tend to come once, but for some women, that’s just the start. When you start to touch, guess at a speed then halve it; the same goes for pressure.
You can always speed up, or press harder, but it’s better to tease than leave her wincing.
Make it about her
Imagine that for some reason, your orgasm was completely off the table. How would that change your focus? Find out what she enjoys, and explore new experiences together. Ask her to choose between a few possibilities if she’s shy, and remember that if consent isn’t enthusiastic, that’s an answer all by itself. What you hope her body is saying doesn’t overrule what she says out loud.
The right tool for the job
You could ask her to demonstrate something she likes, and show you what works best. As well as toys being great fun, showing you don’t feel threatened emphasizes that you want to give pleasure, not just receive it. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take turns, of course – but ladies first.
Remember that toys are used to add to the experience, not replace you.
It’s about a shared journey rather than the destination.
Don’t assume she won’t want penetration, but remember it’s unlikely to bring her to climax alone. And no, it’s not about your size. Although the organ we call the clitoris is much bigger internally than you’d think, extending around the vulva, the sensitive part that’s visible is on the outside. Some positions tend to be better – woman on top, for example – but it’s hard to be sure whether this is due to anatomy, or because they allow her to control the pace and pressure. When a man comes, that usually means pausing before more pleasure; you may find she prefers one or more orgasms before penetration.
BDSM can open a world of possibilities
A blindfold can allow the wearer to focus on their other senses, and if you’re both up for it, allowing one person to take the lead can pay dividends. A good starting point is that the person who’s tied down is the one who gets to enjoy the pleasure, without feeling selfish. A makeup brush can tease and a flogger can be gentle or rough; be creative with the sensations you offer.
Calling something ‘foreplay’ implies an end goal, and often that means a man getting off by penetration. That’s unimaginative. Words and ideas can be as arousing as actions – that’s why sexting is such fun – so don’t assume there’s only one way to please a woman with your mouth.
It’s true that if you ask what she likes, you have a better chance of getting it right for her. What’s probably more important is that by asking, she’ll know you’re trying to meet her needs as well as your own. So when you get it wrong – and we all do – she’ll let you make it up to her. And surely, that’s a win for you both!
