Housing one of the world’s largest collections of sex and masturbation machines, it’s hard to believe that the Sex Machines Museum in Prague only has 3.5 stars on TripAdvisor. Maybe a few people got thrown out after getting too personal with the contraptions, and have decided to take it out on the museum’s ratings.
It has exercise bikes with dildos attached, wooden saddles with dildos attached, and… well… you name it, the museum has a version of it. With a dildo attached. They also display early prototypes of strap-ons and queening chairs and any sex and masturbation implements you’d care to name.
Sex and masturbation machines are fascinating things – they represent what happens when genius collides with sexual frustration. And while hardcore masturbation machines can often be pretty pricey, even if you can’t afford one you can still get a bit of joy from admiring the sheer amount of work that’s gone into creating them. Here are a few of our favourite sex and masturbation machines.
The Sybian
Perhaps one of the most well-known masturbation machines is the Sybian: a large, powerful, padded machine that the user sits on. When they’re sitting comfortably, they turn it on and the machine shakes and judders them to an explosive climax. There are plenty of different masturbation machine attachments including dildos and shaped pads which curve around the vulva and clitoris to give a more intense experience.
Apparently conceived in the 1970s, the inventor didn’t get round to prototyping this masturbation machine until 1985. But since then it’s gone on to feature in any number of porn films, and it even featured in Penthouse back in the day.
It might not look like much, but the Sybian is one of the most famous masturbation machines in the world. Unfortunately if you want to buy one you’ll need a spare $1,295.
The Fuck Bike
In the basement of the New York Museum of Sex sits a bike you’d never be able to ride to work. Welded together from a collection of bike frames and cogs is ‘The Fuck Bike’ – pretty sure you can guess what it’s used for.
The cyclist sits at one end and pedals, and as the cogs go round they push a long metal piston with a dildo attached to the end. So your horny friend, partner, coworker or gym-buddy can simply bend over at the other end of the bike and enjoy the fruits of your labour. Sound awesome? It was created by street artists Andrew H. Shirley & William Thomas Porter. We’re not sure if it’s ever been used in earnest, or indeed if you can buy one for your living room.
The “Love chair”
Comprised of two pretty comfortable-looking chairs facing each other, and a hell of a lot of engineering and machinery, the ‘love chair’ is designed to help people with mobility issues shag in a variety of different positions. It’ll set you back thousands, but we love its ambition.
The Venus masturbation machine
Made by the same company that makes the Sybian, the Venus masturbation machine is designed to replicate the sensation of a blow job. You place a suction tube lined with silicone over your penis, attach it to a frankly terrifying-looking power pack, then sit back as the Venus does its job.
Pros: it can technically be used for hands-free masturbation, although the machine is so energetic it’s possible you’ll want to keep both hands gripped on it to make sure it doesn’t get too eager. Cons: like everything else on our sex and masturbation machine list, it’s incredibly pricey – setting you back nearly £1,000.
Masturbation machines that don’t cost the Earth
We love the ambition in some of these bigger masturbation machines. They’re not just tools to use for wanking: they’re statement pieces. Display one proudly in the centre of your bedroom or dungeon, and guarantee raised eyebrows and compliments from guests who pop round for dinner.
But if you’re after a masturbation machine that can be discreetly slipped in a drawer when your relatives come round to visit, you’ll need something a little more portable. PULSE SOLO ESSENTIAL is a unique hands-free masturbator that uses oscillating vibrations to stimulate your penis. It’s 100% waterproof, rechargeable, and fits in the palm of your hand. Best of all? It only costs £89, so you won’t regret it when your post-orgasm glow has worn off and your credit card bill appears.
