"My husband has no interest in sex and no interest in me physically anymore. We’re married 34 years and two years ago I found out he was looking at porn. At the time I’d had pelvic surgery and couldn’t have sex. Once I recovered, I tried everything: sexy undies, different positions, seduction, etc. He told me he only needed sex once a month, now he says he can’t have sex because he has ED – but he hasn’t talked to his doctor. I’m hurt and don’t know what to do. I’ve tried talking to him, but he won’t talk."
"Husband has no interest in sex and won’t talk about it, what do I do?"
Joan answers:
I don’t know why your husband won’t talk about this major problem – is he embarrassed or depressed about his ED? Does he even have ED? Is he no longer interested in sex at all? Or just not interested in sex with you? I wish I could help you know what’s in your husband’s mind, but only he knows that, and he’s refusing to talk. Here’s what I do know:
1. Viewing porn does not mean a lack of interest in sex with a real-life partner. You said that you were unable to engage sexually for a time, and viewing porn is a normal and common outlet for sexual release.
2. Once you were able to have sex again and expressed your desire through seductive behavior, he said he only needed sex monthly – but what about your needs and desires? Does he think that sex with you is only for his own needs?
3. If he does have ED, he needs to see his doctor to diagnose why.
4. If he’s reluctant because his erections are undependable, help him learn that sex is much more than PIV (penis-in-vagina intercourse). Show your husband “Sex without Penetration: A Man’s View” and consider viewing my 90-minute webinar on this subject.
5. The biggest problem is more than sex — it’s his refusal to talk about it. Your relationship cannot improve if you don’t know what needs to be fixed. Tell him this, and find a therapist or counselor to help the two of you communicate. If he won’t go, go on your own — you will get insights and tools.