How to speak to a partner about sexual health
Discussing your STI status with a partner can be nerve wracking, especially if you feel embarrassed or if the relationship is relatively new. Many people admit to not having a discussion about sexual health with a hook up at all. In fact, a 2021 study by Testing.com showed that half of Americans won’t disclose their STI status during a one night stand. That spells trouble for everyone…
Disclosing your status and any concerns, issues or boundaries you have is one of the best things you can do. For yourself, and for your partner. Not only does doing so keep you and your chosen partner(s) safe, it sets a standard of trust, openness and sex positivity that encourages others to feel more confident about their own health and their own issues.
Shame is a huge issue when it comes to sex, and by not disclosing, we contribute to the pervasiveness of shame and embarrasment around something that should be fun for everyone. No one should feel anxious about contracting an sexually transmitted infection because of an omission by a partner and no one should feel anxious about having a conversation either.
So, here’s how to have that conversation, with the people in your life. Be they partners, friends, FWBs or one-night stands…
Use neutral language
Health is health. We don’t tell someone with a cold that they’re ‘dirty’ because they’ve caught a virus or refer to them as ‘clean’ when they get over it. The same goes for sexually transmitted infections, sexual health issues and the like. Discussing your sexual health, your feelings about it, your and your partner’s needs and how your sex life will look after that discussion is one of the best things you can do for each other. But communicating in a fair and neutral way using the right terminology is paramount. Try using ‘I feel’ instead of accusatory language and try to use the medical terms for things, rather than slang terms that usually have their roots in derogatory origins.
Frame the conversation
Don’t spring this conversation on your partner and try to have it when you’re both sober and well rested. Agree that you’re going to have the discussion and on when you’re going to have it so that you both have time to think about it and to prepare yourselves emotionally. This could be as simple as saying, ‘hey, shall we talk about that thing later today?’. Remember that this is a conversation you may have to have many times in your life so it’s worth doing it right. Everyone has sexual health and our sexual health status affects our partners at any age.
Set clear boundaries
Try to keep an open mind and refrain from using judgemental language. This doesn’t mean you have to accept something you’re not comfortable with or do anything that surpasses a boundary for you. You are in control of what you do with your own body, but you can be kind about your choices and your feelings.
Don’t push
Once you’ve had the conversation, you may have questions about your partner’s sexual health status, and they may have questions about yours. Try not to push, even if you are very curious. It will have taken a lot of courage to disclose certain things and your partner may not be ready to tell you their entire history. Plus, certain elements of it may be triggering for them to discuss.
Be compassionate
Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and imagine how they must be feeling in this moment. If they’re discussing a past STI experience with an ex partner, a flare up, a fear or concern or perhaps an issue with the sex you’re currently both having, try to listen, be compassionate and not interrupt.
Find the humour
But it needn’t all be doom and gloom. Remember to laugh in situations like this. Making jokes and using humour and your kindness and good nature to make the conversation easier always helps. Especially if you have a good relationship with your partner and can see the funny side of things.It might, however, be a little harder to channel your inner comic when speaking to someone you don’t know as well. If you’re having a conversation about your sexual health with a stranger, a one night stand or hook up for example, things can be a little more awkward. However, honesty is the best policy. What you share with a potential partner could protect you both from further issues. And a problem shared is a problem halved.
Why disclosing your STI status matters…
**It’s empowering**
**It’s sex positive**
**It’s responsible**
**It protects you and your partners**
**It establishes a gold standard for honesty**
**It helps build intimacy and trust**
**It encourages others to be safe**
**It destigmatizes STI status**
**It’s the right thing to do**
