We don't talk about this enough, but anxiety around intimacy is normal, especially if it's a new relationship or if you are experiencing ED, pain, or even navigating challenges around your body and self-esteem. Anxiety is very likely to show up for everyone at some point in our lives.
Thanks to anxiety, we know that our desire for sex and connection can take a hit, and getting out of that loop can be hard. When your brain is overwhelmed, it's hard to feel present in your body and can make entering into any form of sex daunting, and for some, we even become avoidant.
But here's the good news: Intimacy doesn't have to disappear when your mental health is struggling. It just needs to shift and work with you, not against you.
In this article, we explore four ways to cope with anxiety around intimacy, but first things first...
You're Not Alone
Anxiety or fear around sex doesn't mean there's something wrong with you—it often means your mind and body are asking for a different kind of care. Intimacy is still possible within that space; it might just need to take a new shape.
Take a moment to explore where that anxiety might be rooted. Was it a difficult experience with ED? A moment of pain that caught you off guard? A comment about your body that stuck with you more than you expected?
Whatever the trigger, your body and mind remember—and they're trying to protect you. You don't have to unpack it alone. Speaking with a professional can be a powerful first step in reclaiming your pleasure and confidence.
Let's explore four steps you can start to implement today.
1. Ditch the pressure to "Perform"
You don't have to show up as your most confident, turned-on self to have a meaningful, sexy moment. You're allowed to say, "I'm feeling anxious, but I'd love to connect with you slowly." Slowing down and tuning in—rather than rushing toward a goal—can actually build deeper intimacy and take the pressure off.
2. Reconnect with your body—without expectations
When your mind is racing, pleasure can feel far away. But toys like the Pulse Solo Essential or Pulse Duo Lux are designed to help you explore sensation and arousal with less effort. Hands-free options let you focus on feeling, not doing.
For many, solo play can be a way to reconnect without pressure, guilt, or distraction. It's not selfish—it's self-support.
3. Communicate Without Judgement
If you're in a relationship, honesty is key and speaking your truth is much better than suffering in silence. Let your partner in on what's going on, not to apologise, but to invite them into a new kind of intimacy, "I'm not where I used to be, but I want to explore what feels good now."
Chances are your partner will be relieved to understand what's happening and may feel empowered to support you with care, not expectations.
4. Reframe What "Intimacy" Means
Intimacy isn't always about penetrative sex, orgasms, or even getting naked. It can be whatever you want it to be. Sex is a feeling, not any particular act or goal.
It can be:
- Holding each other in silence
- Sharing fantasies without acting on them
- Exploring touch or massage
- Making foreplay the mainplay
- Using a toy together, even if no one finishes.
Ask yourself, what am I comfortable exploring, and how do I achieve this alone or with a partner?
It's ok to ask for help.
Mental health and sex are deeply connected, and there's no shame in needing support or exploring your options. Whether it's a therapist, coach, or a trusted friend, talking about what you're feeling can be the first step in lifting the weight of shame.
At Hot Octopuss, we believe pleasure is your right—no matter where you're at. There's no such thing as being 'broken' for joy, connection, or sex. You deserve to feel good in whatever way you define it.